Chasing What Ifs

last month i did the biggest what if of my life... i took the UP law aptitude exam (LAE). i have been dreaming (sometimes "nightmaring") about it. this dream started when i was still in grade school. i wrote in my own autograph that my ambition is "to become an architect or lawyer." my mom, during one of her trips to manila, brought me home a t-shirt with the definition of lawyer on it (brainwashing me i suppose). i forgot all about it when i got in UP arki. but people like atty. eddie valdez (my philo I professor) and ray quilop (my political science professor) would somehow remind me of it. when i graduated college, i took an application form. never got to submit it or even fill it out. i didn't have 900PhP to spare to chase this "what if" at that time. besides, i said yes to my mom's request to (at least) take the board exam. after the board, you can do anything you want, she said. the next year (2003), i took another application form. this time i was already relocated to davao city by november (the LAE month) and i was just starting a career in teaching. again, i didn't send it in. last year (2004), i downloaded an application form the web. i had the money. i knew everything about the process of application. what happened? i FORGOT to do it! i just said, what the heck! i am blazing in my chosen career. this "what if" will eventually fade... very soon... i hope. this year, i was haunted by the same desire or obsession (not really passion).

para matigil lang talaga ito, i sent my application early november. i didn't study for the exam. sabi ko, if this is really where i should be, hindi dapat ine-effort-an 'to. i know, parang nagwaldas lang ako ng 1,100PhP (yes, an increase of P200 in 3 years) sa ginawa ko, pero at least this way, i would know my real aptitude. hindi ako makatulog the night before. i mean, hello guys, this is it! ang pinakahihintay ko after all these years! exam day came. there were only 20 of us, mostly undergrads from UP mindanao. ano'ng nangyari after? umiyak ako nang ga-balde! ang hirap ng puta! mga words sa vocabulary ay hindi ko pa naririnig ever. ang abstract reasoning ay super abstract, either walang sagot o lahat sagot. ang math ay pang genius speed -kaya naman pero sobrang daming items. at ang essay, men, kalahati ng oras sulat-bura lang ako. 5 mins before the time ko pa lang naisip ang gusto ko talagang isulat. to make the sad story short, i think my "what if" ends with that exam. looking at the bright side, at least, i won't be thinking about it anymore. siguro, first two weeks after the exam, naiiyak pa rin ako. pero ngayon, ok na. nai-blog ko na nga eh. =)

hindi ako nagsisisi na kumuha ako ng LAE. kung bumagsak ako, expected. i conclude that LAE is not for the faintest of hearts like mine. but i truly suggest chasing your "what ifs"... may urge at rush na hindi mo maintindihan when you're at that moment. unfortunately, i don't have a "what if" for a second try at LAE, para at least sya lang ang nag-iisang "moment" ko. hehehe